Badgers Like it Rather Rough

God Got it Wrong

Hermaphrodite or Aphrodite

I Met Nigel

As I Was Out

Badgers Are Irish

Cats Rub Against You

Emily the Elephant

Jump Jump Jump

Santa

Stamping Little Michael

Supernatural Barn Owls

There Once was a Man

Uncle Stanley

Auntie Sandra

Daphne

Panda Slander

Friends Untied

Uncle Derek

For Spiders...

If I Was a Cat

Stephen the Heathen

Debbie, Dear Debbie

Little Nancy

Badgers Like it Rather Rough

Badgers like it rather rough
I knew a fellow who
Once walked with just a single limp
But lately he has two.


God Got it Wrong

God got it wrong with an anatomy flaw
He put the toilet too close to the bedroom door.
It's a law-type fact for the over twenties
When you're ringing the bell and the house is empty.


Hermaphrodite or Aphrodite

Hermaphrodite and Aphrodite:
Please yourself or please her nightly.


I Met Nigel

I met Nigel when I was nine.
I left footprints, he left slime.
He went both ways, I was male.
I'm a human, he's a snail.


As I Was Out

As I was out for a walk and a look
I saw a big badger on a fisherman's hook.
I said to the man as he sat there waiting,
"What are you doing?" He said, "Badger baiting."


Badgers Are Irish

Badgers are Irish, their last name's O'Hara.
One side's mascapone the other's mascara.
Uncle Stanley

Uncle Stanley had some pants, he kept them in his pocket.
He went to Cape Canaveral and launched them in a rocket.
They zoomed into the starry sky - the universe was vast.
T'was at this point he realised they still were on his arse.


Auntie Sandra

Auntie Sandra lives in bushes
We don't question her.
The last time Uncle Norman did
She burnt off all his fur.
Little Nancy

Little Nancy shaved her feet.
She shan't walk a while.
Although her toes did bleed a bit
She smiled a lovely smile.


Cats Rub Against You

Cats rub against you - scratch with their claws.
Cats sit a-wailing right beside doors.
Cats will ignore you; not interested.
Why when I copy them am I arrested?


Emily the Elephant

Emily the Elephant was sitting in a tree
A miracle that should defy the laws of gravity
The answer is quite simple, though it may antagonise her,
It seems she ate an acorn then a pound of fertiliser.


Jump Jump Jump

Jump, jump, jump goes the man at the front
Jump, jump, jump again.
Teeth, teeth, teeth says the man underneath
He won't use those again.


Santa

One day I met dear Santa he was sitting on his sack
I said, "Would it be better if you laid down on your back?"
He smiled and said, "It's nicer cos these presents make me grin
And it's better 'cos with modern toys they keep the batteries in."


Stamping Little Michael

Stamping Little Michael has a donkey by his knee
Cos he can't afford a guide dog for to help him with to see
Though people on the streets and such may call him git and crass
Young Michael has the privilege of seeing through his ass.


Supernatural Barn Owls

Supernatural barn owls are living in my head
They've made a tiny nesting place and built a tiny bed.
In summer-time they go abroad, in winter they stay here
It seems that supernatural owls are really not that queer.


For Spiders...

For spiders it's cider
For pigeons it's gin
For polar bears?
Semi, full-fat or just skimmed?


I Was a Cat

If I was a cat I'd have much fun
With an Andrex dog to wipe my bum.
To use my tongue would be quite yucky
When close at hand is a golden puppy.
There Once Was A Man

There once was a man from Drumchapel
Whose wife had a large adam's apple
The vicar had doubts
But as he pointed out
There's much that a girl does a chap'll.


Daphne

Tensions with my Daphne are coming to a head
She never will go out with me nor ever come to bed
I thought we'd go that extra mile and finally get wed
The ouija board said get a life and also Daphne`s dead


Panda Slander

There once was a girl called Miranda
Who decided to slander a panda
She said he was crass
Once had fondled an ass
And had murdered a man in Uganda.


Friends Untied

This morning I visited Friends Reunited.
Some names I recalled left me highly delighted.
Others were not ones I`d really call better friends
It`s a shame that they hadn`t all met with some bitter ends.


Uncle Derek

Uncle Derek dug a hole
To trap some wild hyaenas
But all he got was one postman
And livid window cleaners.


Stephen the Heathen

I went for a wander with Stephen the Heathen
The cattle were nervous and sheep were deep breathin'

We approached with some caution and knelt in the clover
Then Stephen got naked and pushed the herd over.

I ran from the scene leaving Steve up a Fresian
And vowed ne'er again to hang out with a Heathen.


Debbie, Dear Debbie

Debbie, dear Debbie your hands were unsteady
All night and all day they would shake
But you worked in a bar
Your career went far
With the cocktails you'd rapidly make.